I Work In Porn. I Know Why So Many Men Are Single

By Ossiana Tepfenhart

A look into the frustrating world of dating as a man.

As someone who works in the porn industry, I know a little secret. It’s true. As a person who hangs out with adult film stars, I know that you don’t have to be 6’1 with a sick physique to get laid. Everyone is someone’s fantasy, and your looks only are one small factor among many that make relationships possible.

I know the pressure on men to have a partner is high for a number of reasons, some which I can’t even fully articulate. I also know how many men have crazy struggles trying to find (and keep) a partner. It feels like an uphill battle, and I see it with my friends all the time.

Some of these guys would floor you. I’ve met a nurse who was absolutely gorgeous — the type I’d tear the clothes off of if he’d let me — cry into a drink over being single. I’ve also met the stereotypical “incel” type, minus the hate.

Even the demographics show that there are more single men than women. Ever wonder what’s going on here? Why are so many men single these days? I got a little insight for you.

1. Social skills are not as common as they once were.

Let’s start with the biggest elephant in the room. When I was younger, you needed to have social skills to survive. If you couldn’t figure out how to act normal, you would have no friends, no hobbies, and no dating prospects. I know, because that’s what happened to me.

The internet changed that.

You don’t need to have face-to-face interaction skills to get by anymore. It’s true. The trope of the “socially awkward computer programmer” is a real one. And unfortunately, that lack of social skills means you can’t present your best self to a potential partner.

2. Men are being fed a steady diet of bad and unhealthy dating advice.

Here’s the big one that’s killing dating for most men. They’re being fed a steady diet of unhealthy (or even downright toxic) dating advice. I can’t name how many men have told me that “women only go for Chad” or that “women only want a paycheck.”

Yikes, my dudes! Frickin, YIKES!

I’ve heard everything from “spinning plates,” to the garbage that the Red Pill espouses. Allow me to explain a couple of things about this kind of advice and why you should avoid it at all cost:

  • It wrecks your image of yourself. No one short of male models will live up to the standards that men think women want.
  • It wrecks your appreciation of the opposite sex. You can’t really love or respect women if you’re going on forums and talking about how awful we are. You’re lumping us in as a group and treating us like an alien race.
  • Most of the advice you get is borderline abusive. If you have to lower a person’s self-esteem to sleep with you, that’s setting the groundwork for an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship. Moreover, THAT HURTS WOMEN. This makes this advice incompatible with an actual loving relationship.
  • Women are growing aware of these techniques, and are learning to dump men who use this stuff. Nobody wants to knowingly link up with an abuser or someone who clearly wants to use us.

Here’s a wild thought: take a break from dating advice sites. No, really. Do it. Try to befriend women. Actually listen to them and learn to see them as people. In many cases, this can make your dating life blossom faster than anything else.

3. If I was honest, I don’t think that most men know what they should expect or want in a relationship.

So, I blame male-oriented dating advice sites for this as well as mainstream Hollywood. Let’s be honest. What we consume in media is what we tend to expect around us.

Unfortunately, media tends to make men think that they all will get a modelesque woman with minimal effort. Or, in the case of the Hollywood rom-com, that women who ware not initially interested in them will love them if they’re pursued aggressively enough.

We live in a world where healthy relationships are not really noticed that often. Or even highlighted. Sure as hell, we don’t mention how much work it is to deal with even the nicest relationship.

Guys are told they all deserve models, then are told off when they don’t pursue the average Jame. They’re told to aggressively pursue, then get slapped with a lawsuit if they do.

After getting all these mixed signals, it’s easy to see why many men end up throwing up their hands, exclaiming, “What am I doing wrong!?”

Read more https://medium.com/@ossiana.tepfenhart/i-work-in-porn-i-know-why-so-many-men-are-single-626810d98b1f

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